Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You Might Also Like
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
An odd boast
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.