This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
blocked.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.