Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.