9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
i hope my email finds you on fire
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water