A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
only 11 steps left
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk