Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
What if the weather talks about us?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?