Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Banana is the quietest snack
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.