My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Clients after you give them your rates
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.