I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]