[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.