*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Lmao the reply
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Tuesday
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’