6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
screw you
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday