daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
What even happened today?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.