ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.