Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important