The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
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Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Finally, a door that understands me
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]