Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?