An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
You Might Also Like
we’re gonna need another temp
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart