[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.