*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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Morningbreath
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The Compass
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.