According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Not today.. 😂
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My god she’s good.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]