Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
He wanted to make sure😂
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys