Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.