*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”