Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
This a good idea
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.