Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Bro what is this
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.