Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?