My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
#MeanwhileinCanada
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Sorry. Not sorry
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”