[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Not today
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”