So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking