This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”