[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
termite twitter scares me
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
A wise man once said nothing.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]