Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.