A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Good morning, Twitter 😊
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
twitter is a journey
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club