I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*sewing*
A thread
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question