thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Bed should get ready for ME
A family that plays together cheats.