I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.