make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms