“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
You Might Also Like
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
this could fix me
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.