I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
That’s easy for you to say
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.