So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The Onion called it…again.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Love is in the air fryer.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.