[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Sorry I made promises on Friday
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!