So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
ready to be harvested
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.