Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.