my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.