Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Never be a pizza!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”