Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”