Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
That’s enough internet for the day
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.