Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
awkward
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.