“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Uh oh…
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.